Ficus for President

It recently came to my attention that, about eight years ago, Ficus ran for Congress. Turns out that s/he came in second place, right after the incumbent. How did this monumental event pass by me as an extremely advanced 13 year-old?

From a feminist perspective, Ficus is clearly the best choice, and it would be advised that s/he join the current presidential campaign (perhaps creating a third party). S/he would never encringe on my right to reproduce or choose not to do so (yes, i know that "encringe" isn't officially recognized in the English language, but it was officially recognized in my household growing up... thus, I have adopted it as a valid word choice when describing a combination of "encroach" and "infringe"). Ficus would fight for equal representation and comparable pay in the workplace- for women, men, transgendered individuals, and trees alike. Ficus would undoubtedly seek alternative energy solutions and work towards a greener society.

Despite all of Ficus' potential great achievements, Michael Moore (chief Ficus campaign manager) stresses that the value of Ficus lies in what s/he WON'T do. Ficus won't take campaign donations from lobbyists or special interest groups. Ficus won't return vicious commercial ad attacks with even crueler assaults on hir opponents. Ficus would never have a cordial relationship with a controversial black pastor (hell, Ficus won't even disclose his religious beliefs!). Ficus would never stay in a romantic relationship upon learning that hir partner is banging a totally hot intern or sex worker. In fact, Ficus won't even officially put hir name on the ballot (s/he's obviously not THAT pompous). S/he is confident that, when the American people see hir benevolent, trustworthy, and non-confrontational ways, s/he will get enough write-in votes to win the election by a landslide.

After eight years of being in the dark, I'm glad the Ficus campaign has finally come to my attention. For all of you out there who have been fighting for Ficus all this time, I'm sure your efforts have not gone unnoticed. Ficus for President 2008, anyone?