Not only is today's posting informative, it can also determine your destiny. Yes, your destiny.
Topic of the day: How to find the perfect ringtone for your personality and lifestyle (limited to Verizon customers)
1) "Doorbell"
This ringtone is only acceptable for those with a keen ear and the ability to distinguish between bona fide and counterfeit doorbells. Individuals with new-age doorbells who are looking to go back to their more traditional roots will find comfort in this simple sound. Easily excitable dogs or dogs with neurotic tendencies should never choose this.
2) "Friendship"
Although the name would suggest otherwise, this tone does not guarantee immediate elevation in social hierarchy or provide individual comfort and support when needed. And, while hearing this tone often may indicate a large number of friends, the same is also true for "doorbell", "jazztastic", and "red shade". Lonely users should take caution and fully understand the repercussions before making this choice. Overall, a deceiving tone that can only lead to disappointment.
3) "Jazztastic"
As jazzy and fantastic as this sounds, it obviously wasn't enough of either jazzy or fantastic to claim either title in itself. As my roommate pointed out, this tone may only be suited for porn-loving folk. So, perfect for Ron Jeremy. Oh... and 9 out of 10 college-aged males.
4) "Red Shade"
An all-inclusive ringtone! This suspiciously native-sounding tone seems to call out to American Indians all around the country. No matter what shade of red you are, this is the tone for you. Due to amendment 550003.1 of the constitution, the Non-discriminating Ringtone Act (NRA), all Verizon customers, regardless of race, are permitted (though not encouraged) to choose this tone.
5) "Yummy"
Upon selection of this ringtone, 5 million Greenbush donuts will appear in front of you (wherever you are). If that's not yummy, then I don't know what is.
Well, folks, I hope you've taken this information to heart. This is, indeed, your destiny determinant.
